Dining alone - the stigma

I dine alone, often. While I enjoy the company of others sometimes I can really appreciate some solitude with a great meal. More often than not the servers that accommodate me are terrific. They are usually attentive without being overly so, they do visual checks without verbally interrupting me if I am engrossed in a book at the time. All in all I have found no fault in many of the servers found in many of the restaurants around the city. Kudos to your tribe servers, you've become hip to needs of the lone diner. Now, for goodness sake, please explain things to the hostess on staff.

Invariably manning the door is a attractive, sweet , usually young female. Almost EVERYTIME I approach her desk and say, "Table for one please." I am met with "Just one?" Followed by a frowny face. It happens constantly, but that's ok, I'm used to it . I know my dining experience will be fine never the less. What I HATE HATE HATE is that same assuming hostess will then sit me at a deuce behind a pole, next to a waiter station, or (the worse) in an otherwise closed section with no other diners at all! It's as if I am the idiot cousin normally closeted in the attic that's been allowed to come downstairs for a meal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about on busy weekend nights or holidays when the restaurant is jumping and seats are scarce and they are trying to accommodate as many as possible. On those nights please, yes, give me the little deuce and I'll be fine. But on Tuesday nights at 6 pm may I please sit in the dining room with the grown ups? This happened to me just this past middle of the week. (After Derby week so yeah, slow.) Nearly empty restaurant, first seating. I get the deuce by the pole in the back in the shadows.
I ask "oh, could I have a table by the window?"
Again, the frowny face followed by "oh, you don't want to sit there."
"I don't?"
Then, after she realized she had made a mistake in assuming I was ashamed to be dining alone she tells me all the tables along the windows are reserved. Funny , no one sat in half of them while I was there neither were any of them pushed together for large parties. (Sigh)
I am a lone diner. I order a cocktail or wine with my meal that increases my tab and sometimes dessert and I tip as if I am a two top. It's not shameful, it's not pitiable I am not sad about being alone. Please treat me as if my money counts too. Food servers get it, it's time for hostesses to get it too.

[Robin Garr]

I wonder if you get doubled down because you're alone and female?

When I was working for a national non-profit back in the '90s. I traveled alone a lot. I went to all 50 states and a handful of other Western Hemisphere nations, and when I was traveling, I ate alone almost every night. I brought a book to keep me company in those pre-smartphone days, and I tipped well. I never felt uncomfortable, though, and now that you raise this point I wonder if I got a pass due to being a male silverback gorilla.

I wonder if you get doubled down because you're alone and female?

When I was working for a national non-profit back in the '90s. I traveled alone a lot. I went to all 50 states and a handful of other Western Hemisphere nations, and when I was traveling, I ate alone almost every night. I brought a book to keep me company in those pre-smartphone days, and I tipped well. I never felt uncomfortable, though, and now that you raise this point I wonder if I got a pass due to being a male silverback gorilla.

Since the problem originates with a female hostess, I'd say yes, it's because I am an alone female. I have noticed if a male server or male host seats me it's an entirely different situation.

I used to experience this occasionally when I would travel for J. Gumbo's. Sometimes it was clear that I was being viewed as a low check average/tip table. While I rarely got the shock reaction for being "just one," I could always pick up on certain kinds of reactions from the staff and I was often given the "out of the way" table. I always ordered a libation and usually an app, a main, and a dessert, and I always tipped well (on the company's dime) as long as the service was anything above disinterested. It was my goal to combat the notion that I wasn't a valuable table.

When we go out to eat, we always get the "Just two?" question. Yes, because I just requested a table for two. I swear, hostesses only want to seat large parties.

I don't think this just happens to women. I recall an incident when I was dining alone and the (male) host literally bellowed, more than loudly enough for all to hear, "UNO FOR DIN-DIN??!!?" An incredulous tone, as if he'd never heard of such a thing and found it so outrageous that he felt the need to publicly humiliate such a loser. B*tch!

As a former hostess, I feel qualified to chime in. I was always chatty and friendly to single diners. I offered to seat them at the bar in case they wanted to talk with the bartender, not because they didn't merit a table all to themselves. As an extrovert, my intentions were to provide company since it would be MY preference not to eat alone. Think about it, most hosts/hostess are likely extroverts. You'd need to be to consistently greet strangers night after night. I suspect most of the time, it's out of ignorance and not maliciousness. Still, I really struggle to understand introverts and I suspect many hosts/hostesses are in the same boat.

For the record, I've never said, "Just the one?" Who SAYS that?

Finally, as for preferred tables, that's just the luck of the draw. Where I worked, most of the plum tables were 4 tops and I wouldn't seat a lone diner at a four top. The server would kill me. Wouldn't put a deuce there either. If it's someone's turn for a table, that's the section you seat.

As a former hostess, I feel qualified to chime in. I was always chatty and friendly to single diners. I offered to seat them at the bar in case they wanted to talk with the bartender, not because they didn't merit a table all to themselves. As an extrovert, my intentions were to provide company since it would be MY preference not to eat alone. Think about it, most hosts/hostess are likely extroverts. You'd need to be to consistently greet strangers night after night. I suspect most of the time, it's out of ignorance and not maliciousness. Still, I really struggle to understand introverts and I suspect many hosts/hostesses are in the same boat.

Thank you Alexis for exactly illustrating the problem. How? Well, first off, you misread that I am an introvert. Nope, nada, never. I am an out-spoken extrovert. Second, you assume everyone wants what you want. Again, sorry, not always the case. Because I am an extrovert and frequently utilize those aspects of being an extrovert in my work there are times when I want or NEED to take a break from that. Perhaps I have work puzzles I need to work out. Maybe my meal out is the only chance I get to catch up on a book or some research. But it doesn't mean I feel the need to hide or that I like being "shelved" or "shamed" or pitied. Please do not assume that because "that's what I would want" that it's what everyone would want. If I do want something I am extrovert enough to ask for it. The hostess can either accommodate me (great!) or not (should have made a reservation!) I think diners should always be made to feel that they are welcome and accommodated. Not situated.

Look, I realize hostessing isn't an easy job. It's far more than just putting butts into seats. It's like a 3 dimensional, giant game of Tetris. It's hard and on some nights it's just plain crazy. Hostesses have the responsibility of setting the tone of the evening and , often unfairly, get the first flack of the evening if the seating isn't swift enough. And it kills your feet. (I did it too.) All I'm asking is for hostesses to please stop making the lone diner feel pitiable.

And who says, " Just one?" With an exaggerated frowny face? More hostesses than not that's who.

I was just trying to explain why hosts/hostesses may have treated you that way and maybe give you a window into how some people think. I thought by posting on the forum you were looking for discussion and different points of view. Apparently, you needed to vent a bit more and it's good that you've had the opportunity to get some things off your chest. I hope by posting this several hosts/hostesses can learn from their mistakes and treat lone diners better in the future.

Cheers!

Alexis I do apologize if I came off so brash or rude. That was not my intent. Yes, I did need to vent. Chalk it up to yet another time I went out to relax and got publicly humiliated by an unknowing -although I am sure , well meaning - hostess. And that was why I posted so that perhaps others may not make the same mistake. I do appreciate your input. I should take you out for cocktails.

This reminds me of a classic from Steve Martin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ7CNUuoe3E

This reminds me of a classic from Steve Martin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ7CNUuoe3E

Definitely a classic.

Maybe small tables for one could be created? Seems like they could quickly set one up in the main dining room with just a little rearranging.

Maybe small tables for one could be created? Seems like they could quickly set one up in the main dining room with just a little rearranging.

I like to dine alone (and I'm an introvert! -- a great book on us, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. Anyway...). Partly so I don't take up a table, I prefer eating at the bar/counter when possible. I also, if I'm going to be there any length of time, bring something to read because a) I like to read and b) so the barkeep doesn't try to engage me in unwanted conversation. When I want that, I go out with friends. I sometimes get the "only one" thing, but nothing as rude as Carla described.

Maybe small tables for one could be created? Seems like they could quickly set one up in the main dining room with just a little rearranging.

I like to dine alone (and I'm an introvert! -- a great book on us, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. Anyway...). Partly so I don't take up a table, I prefer eating at the bar/counter when possible. I also, if I'm going to be there any length of time, bring something to read because a) I like to read and b) so the barkeep doesn't try to engage me in unwanted conversation. When I want that, I go out with friends. I sometimes get the "only one" thing, but nothing as rude as Carla described.

I'm an introvert, too. Hear me roar!

My thought about tables however was quite literally a table only large enough for one person that could be brought out and set up in the main dining room. But maybe that would go back to the Steve Martin clip.