While visiting Newport Rhode Island we walked past a restaurant that Esquire had put on one of those “best of” lists. We decided to grab lunch. A cascade of service errors leading to ultimately uninspired, average food at high prices promoted my brother-in-law to state succinctly, “this was a failure on multiple levels.” I never thought this phrase would apply to one of my local favorites, Le Relais.
Arrival: My date and I arrive timely and are pointed to the bar where the other couple in our party is having drinks. We join them and as the minutes pass and are never asked if we’d like to order a drink. We are also not directed to our table, which we took upon ourselves to identify, go to, and alert the host of as much.
Arrival at Table: No menus and minutes pass. Water is poured after several more minutes but no server appears to offer drinks, provide menus, or detail app specials. 10 more minutes, a server arrives to take drink orders. Cue extended wait time and return of drinks minus one the server says they’re “out of because the person working the bar tonight doesn't know the recipe.” Cue drink reorder. We now ask for menus. Another 10-15 minutes, drink arrival, and about 3 attempts to hail a server to take app orders (at this point to hell with waiting on special apps description). The server finally reappears, says that they are understaffed tonight, apologizes for the wait, and takes orders. We appreciate the explanation, but already too little, too late. Tables next to our’s is now audibly and physically irritated at experience - comfort in shared misery.
Arrival of Apps: 3 for the table. Grilled Baguette with roasted garlic and blue cheese is good. The bread is toasty, blue cheese pungent, and garlic a nutty, amber, ooze. This was as good as it got. Now mussels, of which about 35% of the shells are empty. The meat there was decently cooked (not yet rubbery) but at some point diminishing returns appear on the value scale and quantity matters. The cream-enriched broth is rich and the fries are alright. The Charcuterie plate is the final table-shared app and chosen because the website menu is not updated, hence eagerly-anticipated choices had to be cast aside. It was a decent but wholly uninteresting offering (a trip to Lottsa Pasta would afford the chef at least a decent chutney and once tastier cured option). At some point here we reorder drinks - cue another long wait.
Intermission reminiscent of 2001: A Space Odyssey’s.
Multiple efforts achieve a final flag down of a server (because our’s is off the gird and we’ve passed the 1.2 hour point with no entree order). She’s new (we figure and are later told) and takes orders, notably asking for temp on duck breast (leg and thigh confit was the entree). Things are now really bad.
Arrival of entrees: 2.2 hours after arrival we begin entrees. The scallops are fine, not great. The duck was tasty - the best dish on the table, though greater confits have passed our collective lips. The salmon was unevenly seasoned/spiced and turned my date and me off - its accompanying greens were under-seasoned as well. And now the braised short rib special. It was delivered by the owner with braggadocio, “only in a french restaurant.” 2 things here. 1 - Not true. I make them better. Basa makes them better. Limestone, Avalon, and a number of others at least offer short ribs. The first two of the aforementioned destroy this relatively-dry one set atop marginal-at-best rice. 2 - Even if you think they’re the best ever possibly to be served at your restaurant, might you peddle-off the cavalier presentation in light of the other goings on of which you must be aware?
What remains: 2.5 hours in and our plates are empty and languishing on the table until eventually removed (all but one which, for some reason, is left). No contact from server. Any server. Out table neighbors resemble UN officials next to their foreign analogues (us) with whom they’re either unwilling or unable to share their utter displeasure at the vote (to go to this restaurant). We finally flag down someone and request our check. We’ve no time for desert, which is fine, since we are never offered any. Another 15 minutes and then the check comes with a statement from the server, “come back and catch us on a good night.”
“Catch us on a good night.” That was the substitute for an owner apology (yes Anthony was there) or even acknowledgment of a pathetic performance at and by Le Relais - which while normally a stand-out in light of service and quality was on this night, in light of this check, approaching highway robbery. “Catch us on a good night, ” Le Relais for, “Come back when we’re not a failure on multiple levels.”
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