Dammit, there's way too many kinds of beer! There, I said it. There's no going back. I've been contemplating this situation for a while now and I declare it's more than any ordinary beer lover can cope with! It would take a beer-rain man to keep track of them all.
I've been drinking beer since well before I was legal (Don't snicker, they still card me at the Meijer's. Then they ask if I've wandered away from my care provider). I've been serious about beer since I was twenty-five. I used to think I knew about beer. The last couple of years I've come to realize just how little I know.
I'm not alone. Just go ask your bar tender. Chances are pretty good they don't know much about beer either. I was in Bloomington over the weekend at a place that boasts fifty-two beers on tap. They claim to take beer seriously and even have a beer philosophy. Their laminated beer menu is huge and at the bottom it lists the names of all their “Certified Beer Servers!” They even have a Cicerone. A certified beer-rain man.
So, when Jason and I sat down at the bar I was sure my only problem would be selecting from the multitude of beers on offer. If only! I scanned the list, which was bigger than most restaurant menus and helpfully categorized by type. Ok, the ones listed in red were the tap beers with all the others available in various sized bottles. One Hundred and thirty-four beers were separated into ten categories. Sweet! I'm a bitter beer drinker so I focused on the “Pales.”
Ahhhh......Three Floyds Zombie Dust was listed as a new release in the “Pale Ales”section. I noticed it written on the specials board when I came in and there was even an advertising banner. It was tapped on the 15th just four days previous. Yessss...decision made! When I asked for it however, the bar tender, a twenty something brunette with no interest at all in appearing interested in what we wanted, said umh I think we're out of that. What does that mean? Are you out or are you not out? I wanted to demand. She wasn't actually chewing gum and popping disinterested bubbles at me – but she really kinda was. Ok, be calm – there's fifty-one other choices.
As I perused the other tap beers in the “Pale” section I saw the usual suspects, at least one I doubted belonged in this category, and a few I'd never heard of. The relevant specs were listed for each beer. The bar tender who had wandered off immediately when I didn't have a backup plan for the Zombie Dust came back then. “What kind of beer do you like?” She said. Ok, that's better. Let's give this a try. “I want a bitter, session-strength beer. We've just ridden our bikes thirty-five miles and we are about to fall asleep sitting here. We have a two hour drive back home.” She looked unsure for a moment and I thought she was about to ask us where we had ridden.
Instead she asked, “Do you like pale ales or IPA's?” “Uhhh yes,” I replied resignedly as reality set in. Hadn't I just said that? “Do you like them strong or not?” she asked, clearly confused. I stared down at the menu gripped tightly in both hands and spotted Stone Levitation listed under brown ales. “Have you ever had Two Hearted?” She offered. “Yes many times I snapped.” and ordered the Stone before she could say anything else. Jason and I shared a pained look. What kind of training could she have been given my look asked? “Man my ass is sore!” Jason's said. It's the same look.
This interaction was typical and disappointing. Our bar tender displayed a lack of understanding of basic beer lingo. I would not have used the terms “session-strength” or “bitter” at most places except, I thought I was in a serious beer hall where I could expect knowledgable service. Instead, I was just in a college town bar with a lot of beer taps. We had driven an extra thirty miles for this misrepresentation! We each had two beers and called it a day. It's not surprising that many people are intimidated by all these beer choices. There's little help from the sellers and at four to six bucks a pop, it's an expensive trial and error.
The sheer number of choices now available is overwhelming for the average person. I'm no beer expert, but I am knowledgable enough that I rarely have trouble ordering something I'll like or avoiding something I won't. But it does still happen occasionally. The variation inherent in the vast selection of the world's beers can make choosing a beer uncertain for anyone at times.
For instance, what will that black lager taste like? Or how about the dark IPA? Will I prefer the Kolsch, the Alt Bier, or the Maibock. Perhaps the Saison – but which one grass or pepper? I'll have the Pilsner if they have the bitter one. Think that coal black beer is a Stout or Porter - think again. It could be a lager, a pale ale, or even a brown ale. Which Stout do I want, the milk, oatmeal, cherry, chocolate, or coffee. Ah hell, I'll just order the breakfast. I prefer my wheat beer hefe (cloudy) rather than kristal (clear). My Weissbier might be Witbier if its Belgian and tastes of citrus rather than banana. If my Belgian is sour, then its lambic. I could order my ale red, amber, brown, or Scotch. Smoked, oaked, double hopped, dry hopped, wet hopped, or aged in bourbon, sherry, or port barrels; the choices seem endless.
It doesn't help that traditional styles are constantly varied by creative brewers mucking about. You'll need a concise description then because its a one-of-a-kind. Even that won't tell you if you're going to like that beer brewed with rutabagas. Just because they can doesn't mean they should does it? I'll never need to try the oyster stout. Can't get past the name.
Don't even get me started on beer names these days; they're often of no help. Its seems some brewers try to appeal to the least sophisticated among us when naming their beers. Show me someone who wants to try a beer because it references an embarrassing bodily function and I'll show you a thirteen-year-old I don't want to drink with. What's the average beer drinker got to do get a handle on this?
Well, you could order the newly published Oxford Companion to Beer. Over 900 pages featuring over 1,100 beers. It has been widely hailed as the most complete book of beer ever published. Even at that there are plenty of complaints that some areas are not adequately covered and some important beers are left out. It is available for your electronic e-reader though so you can have it handy at the bar on your smart phone. Unless you're an anti-technology curmudgeon, but then, you don't have these issues. You're just going to order the yellow fizzy stuff anyway.
Another option is higher education. I sat at the bar in Bank Street Brewhouse (BSB) recently watching the baseball game and talking to Brian and Jenni. We may have been drinking a beer. Both of them said they had taken Roger Baylor's Beer Course at the local university. Jenni highly recommended the advanced course too. I tried to stare her down as I waited for the punchline. You know, something about the lager lab, superconducting keg stands, or beer cheese string theory. No joke. A couple of years ago I would have sneered at this suggestion. Now, I wonder, do I need a degree to order a beer?
You could just do what I mostly do. Go to bars where they have friendly knowledgable bar tenders. These bars should have a stable line-up of regular tasty beers for when the new seasonal doesn't work out for you. Go there often enough that they know you and what you like and when you say “ I'll have another Watchamacallit.” They know just what you mean.
