Obnoxious Guests

I take personal pride in my obnoxiousness thank you.

11) Half sweet tea, half unsweetened tea. Really?

That's hitting a little too close to home!

6) Medium rare PLUS is a myth.

Nah, that's called medium.
People get 5 choices on temperature, that should be more than enough.

I cook my steaks (and order them) just in between mr and med. I take the steak off at about 130 or 135, and it raises just a bit. I like my steak warm, reddish.

I'd venture to guess that roughly 85% of the OP is correct across the board,
There is absolutely a cross-section of the dining-out population that does not believe, under any circumstance, that whatever the restaurant they're dining at is (regardless of quality, execution, amenities offered, performance, consistency, Michelin stars, etc), they still have to have it 'their way'. If a place is already doing things right, that 'way' has to be invented to satisfy the egoic desire to be catered to. Hence the existence of 1/2 and 1/2 tea, med rare +, etc.
It's true. Know it or not, Believe it or not... it's true

Not to say that all, most, or even a lot of diners are like that Not at all. The VAST majority of guests already want to enjoy themselves, that's why they came out and it's my job to ensure that they do.
But from time to time, you get THAT guy or THAT lady.
Water's wet. Sky's blue. That's the way it is.

also, the OP is one of the funniest things I've read in a while

...'salting perfectly cooked food before tasting' is one of my favs...

I take personal pride in my obnoxiousness thank you.

Yup, me too...That and being right 100% of the time.

Here's a few good ones that come to mind-

-Can you do something about these bugs? (while dining al fresco)
-Sending back a MR steak (as ordered) "well, I really meant MW".
-Butchering a recipe so much so that, in the end, it resembles vomit.
-asking to "remove" things like onions from soup, etc. (file under impossible culinary things)

just a couple off the top of my head but there are many more. .

My friends and fellow food lovers, I've got a good one for y'all.

This evening a party of ten plus came in tonight. A family well recognized by all the servers for a history of being needy and consistently leaving less than 10%. Although, they're not frequent guests; they are memorable

Well tonight they had one of our best servers waiting on them, we rearranged a few tables to accommodate their group and even rearranged the tables again to suit their request. They of course performed as expected with lots of special requests and multiple requests for different unusual items at every trip to the table. No complaints, no questions about the bill (with the clearly stated and highlighted added gratuity), and no mistakes on the orders or the split checks. Yet, after they left my server approached me with the CC slip and the added gratuity had been crossed out and a lesser amount had been written in the space below.
(and yes the added gratuity clause is clearly stated on the menu for parties of 8 or more)

Here's a few good ones that come to mind-

-Can you do something about these bugs? (while dining al fresco).

When I worked at the Blind Pig, in Butchertown which is arguably Louisville's smelliest neighborhood, a customer asked another server there, "Can you do something about the smell outside?"

Of the many reasons why this question is hilarious to me, keep in mind that The Blind Pig has no outdoor seating and has an open kitchen. Once you enter, it's impossible to smell anything but the food being prepared.

My friends and fellow food lovers, I've got a good one for y'all.

This evening a party of ten plus came in tonight. A family well recognized by all the servers for a history of being needy and consistently leaving less than 10%. Although, they're not frequent guests; they are memorable

Well tonight they had one of our best servers waiting on them, we rearranged a few tables to accommodate their group and even rearranged the tables again to suit their request. They of course performed as expected with lots of special requests and multiple requests for different unusual items at every trip to the table. No complaints, no questions about the bill (with the clearly stated and highlighted added gratuity), and no mistakes on the orders or the split checks. Yet, after they left my server approached me with the CC slip and the added gratuity had been crossed out and a lesser amount had been written in the space below.
(and yes the added gratuity clause is clearly stated on the menu for parties of 8 or more)

Contrary to popular belief, the customer is not always right and this is one of the most common instances.
If I was a server at your place and knew this was going to happen to me, I would refuse to wait on them. You, as the proprietor reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. It's your place and you can decide if you really need the business from these people.
I've seen it happen a couple of times at a place I used to work at. When the offending customers walk in the door, no one acknowledged their presence until the owner went over to explain to them that they "obviously weren't happy with the level of service on their previous visits based upon the gratuity they left the server and believes that tonight they would be happier dining elsewhere."

My friends and fellow food lovers, I've got a good one for y'all.

This evening a party of ten plus came in tonight. A family well recognized by all the servers for a history of being needy and consistently leaving less than 10%. Although, they're not frequent guests; they are memorable

Well tonight they had one of our best servers waiting on them, we rearranged a few tables to accommodate their group and even rearranged the tables again to suit their request. They of course performed as expected with lots of special requests and multiple requests for different unusual items at every trip to the table. No complaints, no questions about the bill (with the clearly stated and highlighted added gratuity), and no mistakes on the orders or the split checks. Yet, after they left my server approached me with the CC slip and the added gratuity had been crossed out and a lesser amount had been written in the space below.
(and yes the added gratuity clause is clearly stated on the menu for parties of 8 or more)

Contrary to popular belief, the customer is not always right and this is one of the most common instances.
If I was a server at your place and knew this was going to happen to me, I would refuse to wait on them. You, as the proprietor reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. It's your place and you can decide if you really need the business from these people.
I've seen it happen a couple of times at a place I used to work at. When the offending customers walk in the door, no one acknowledged their presence until the owner went over to explain to them that they "obviously weren't happy with the level of service on their previous visits based upon the gratuity they left the server and believes that tonight they would be happier dining elsewhere."

Nice Dan! This harkens back to a family that once dined at my place and they ALL wanted the food "seperated" on the plate so no food was "touching each other". Nevermind that they all wanted to "see" the steaks before I cooked them and taste each side before I served them....Ultimately, I could not serve them, as in doing so, I would have lost 4 great servers who refused to serve them. They could see them coming and all hid in the hinterlands. After three visits, I finally kicked them out based solely on the fact that if you don't stand by your staff, you have no right to run a business...

Hopefully the guests got charged the full gratuity even after crossing it out...

Working in retail it AMAZES me that the nicest people tend to be the ones who are paying full price.

I had a customer (I rent trucks) who was getting a van for 45 + 15 for insurance and 0 mileage and going 250 miles or so (this is dirt cheap... we weren't making money, I agreed to it the first time because his mom called in and she was a sweetheart and it was the middle of winter, which is dead for us)... it went fine... then he wanted the same deal again, so I gave it to him, and immediatley after leaving the lot started complaining about the truck and everything else... then rented twice more... when I told him we could no longer do free mileage, he complained to my manager... and got the free mileage, and complained AGAIN about the truck...

I'm almost convinced that helping people out will always come back to bite me in the ass. Although we did get some positive radio coverage after U-Haul screwed a local radio reporter and we helped her out.

Well, I was firmly put in my place by a 12 year old yesterday. Due to Bryants Blueberries, we took a whole days takings by 3pm. You can imagine what that was like. I was standing by the grill cooking solidly, Victoria was dealing with taking orders and making drinks and ice creams. Well, everytime I turned round it seemed a young girl was at the counter asking for something or other, a spoon, another spoon, water, more water etc. Mine is not the sort of place with servers, you order, you pay and you receive, end of Around the 4th time of seeing her, I said "what does she want now" not realizing the window was open.

When she came to leave, she haughitly said, "We won't be back". She then returned and asked to speak to me. She said, "I heard what you said". I said, "look, I'm sorry I said that, It was rude and I shouldn't have said it. but, you can see that we were extremely busy and everytime I turned round you were at the counter when Victoria was trying to serve another dozen people" Kudos to her parents for letting her sort it out herself, I was wrong, and I did apologise to her. If your'e not in the trade, sometimes you just don't realize how stressful it is dealing with a high number of cusomers all at once without having to deal with the same customer again and again.

Funny post but why is the half&half tea such a faux pas? It's not like ordering half&half merlot and riesling.

the other day i actually had a customer who asked me to make her tea "not quite 1/2 and 1/2 but more like 2/3 unsweet and 1/3 sweet."

it annoys me when people say, "i'll save you a trip." i guess they think they are being thoughtful but anyone who's done this job knows there's no such thing as saving me a trip.

another pet peeve is customers who ask for extra salad dressing as i serve them the salad, but before tossing the dressing in and taking a bite to see if there is enough. if you know, before mixing the dressing in and taking a bite, that you want extra dressing then you knew it when you ordered. why didn't you say it then?

my last irk is people who tell you about a problem but won't let you fix it. i work in a chain steakhouse and cook-ups and recooks are not at all uncommon. i'll go back to the table 2-4 minutes after the entrees are served to make sure everyone is happy with their food. someone will speak up and say their steak is undercooked but won't let me take it back to be cooked up. i insist that it won't take long and that they aren't creating a problem and that they should be able to have their steak the way they like it and they won't budge. it just drives me crazy. what was the point in telling me about the problem if they won't allow me to fix it?

my last irk is people who tell you about a problem but won't let you fix it. i work in a chain steakhouse and cook-ups and recooks are not at all uncommon. i'll go back to the table 2-4 minutes after the entrees are served to make sure everyone is happy with their food. someone will speak up and say their steak is undercooked but won't let me take it back to be cooked up. i insist that it won't take long and that they aren't creating a problem and that they should be able to have their steak the way they like it and they won't budge. it just drives me crazy. what was the point in telling me about the problem if they won't allow me to fix it?

Unless I'm eating at an expensive steak house, I hardly ever send a steak back for more cooking. In my experience, it usually comes back overcooked. So, when I order it medium or medium-well and it is at least medium-rare, I'll just eat it. It would have to be bloody rare for me to send it back if I'm in a chain restaurant.

The point of telling the staff about a problem doesn't always have to result in an immediate fix. It could be that they just want you to know in case it is a regular problem with one cook. After all, I would think most managers in any industry would appreciate the feedback.