!!!Waring - mild profanity follows.!!!!
Ok, so Chris and I pull into JR's Pub at 826 W. Main in New Albany at about six on Saturday. The idea was to get some wings and barbecue and watch the IU game. We'd scouted this place a month or so ago and it had a bunch of hi def TVs and a menu that listed pulled pork, chicken, and brisket.
We knew things might be iffy as soon as we opened the car doors. This place had a couple of large overhead doors that were open to the parking lot and we could hear a live singer bellowing out country. We were looking for a sports bar with some good food.
The place was hopping as we entered and all the TVs were tuned to basketball. So far so good. We selected seats at the end of the bar away from the singer. The beer selection was limited by my standards but I decided not to notice. We ordered beers and food. I ordered pulled pork and Chris ordered wings. I was drinking my Guinness when I felt someone all up against my left side.
I turned my head and a woman I'd never seen before breathed into my ear “ Hi, it's my birthday!” She was dressed in tight jeans, a tight shirt, and judging by her age, blonde hair from a bottle. Fair enough, I thought and said, “Happy Birthday, how old are you - 24?” She giggled like that was the funniest thing, moved away a few feet linking her hands above her head and spun around. She thrust out her rear end then completed her stripper turn with her chest out. I'd show you my tits but I retired them two years ago she said matter of factly. I was bemused by this point transitioning into disbelief, and wondering where the hidden camera was. She leaned forward against me well into my personal space and said “Not bad for a 58 year old huh?” I could smell the liquor on her breath. I nodded.
“Actually I did show my tits to some guy earlier today.” She said as if she just remembered. “In here?” I asked, thinking my God is this really happening and how can I make it stop? “No, No, she asserted as if this was a silly question. We were at some place in Lullvull earlier and I showed em to this guy. I had to cause I was in the boys room.” “Of course,” I replied, “had to pay the toll.”
She said, “How old are you?” Was she trying to pick me up? I replied “How old do you think I am?” “Your near my age” she said. “Over 40 for sure and near fifty.” “ Good guess, I'm 48 and so is my wife.” I replied thinking this has to stop. “Oh my God!” she shrieked excitedly. “That's the same age as my husband!”
Laughing, she turned and pointed to the nearest table. “That's my husband John right there.” She pointed to a group consisting of John, her husband and another couple. They looked over at us and waved good naturedly. “Well, where's your wife?” she asked, not at all put off by my admission. “She's at the mall with my credit cards and seventeen old daughter.” I replied. Again she broke up. With her as my audience it seemed my material would kill all night.
“Well – can I buy you a drink?” Really what other choice did I have. I thought she might just be working me for a drink and it seemed a small price to pay at this point. “What kind of drink?” she asked. “A beer?” “Yuk,” she made a face. “A shot,” she said. “Ok, you want a bourbon?” “No way,” she said. “How about vodka?” She caught the bartender's attention right away likely because the bartender had been watching my predicament all along. Trisha ordered 1800. During this whole event I had glanced sidelong at Chris several times and each time he had pretended to be completely unaware of what was going on. Bastard!
Her drink arrived and I asked her name. “Trisha,” she said. “What's yours?” “I'm Shane and here's to you on your birthday Trisha.” We toasted and she downed her shot like a pro. I took a drink of my nearly empty Guinness and ordered another. My food arrived and I began to eat, thinking she would desist now.
Nope, Trisha decided that she needed to discuss with me the burden that women with large bosoms carry. This went on for a while and included a story about her younger brother's daughter and was punctuated several times by the comment “well God gave em too you” and I think I may have drifted into a disconnected state while she droned on. I'm in no way a prude and I wasn't embarrassed by anything Trisha had to tell me but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why she was telling me it. I looked straight at Chris and didn't look away until he met my eyes. “Help Me” I mouth. He looked away immediately and I could see he was trying not to choke on his food. This finally became too much for me and I interrupted Trisha's dialogue.
“Trisha, why exactly are you telling me about this?” I asked. She looked very puzzled and paused for a full ten count. Ok, I had broken her chain of thought and maybe she lost the thread. She looked down for a second and I thought she might have finally become embarrassed and she would apologize for bothering me. She was still in my personal space with her leg brushing against my leg and she had been rubbing the back of my shoulder with her hand the whole time. I didn't know what to expect next and I can only guess what her husband was thinking. Whatever it was, I did not anticipate what happened next.
She finally looked up and said, “Well it's my birthday and I'm drunk!” “But that's a really good question.” She placed her hands on both sides of my cheeks and kissed me square on the lips. Uh, happy birthday Trisha. She wandered away immediately. I looked over at Chris. He appeared to be either having a fit or choking on a chicken wing but no sound was coming out. It's a good thing he didn't need the Heimlich maneuver. I would have just looked away completely unaware.
We asked for our check and prepared to leave immediately. No way were we staying for the game or visiting the boys room. Trisha came back over to say goodby which surprisingly did not include any smooching for either of us. JR's Pub is an ok place if you want to drink main stream beer, eat mildly interesting food, and listen to live country music. If you decide to try it for yourself I recommend March 17th. Say hi to Trisha for me.
